Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We need to get me chipped asap
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
