She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
