it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
