fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
