So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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