they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
