i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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