Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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