Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How does one acquire holy water?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
