I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
