Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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