sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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