I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
