I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
