Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
