I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
