Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize