It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
