i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
