I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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