my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
