how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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