There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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