I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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