My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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