Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
