I accidentally burped into my bong.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Randomize
