My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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