I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
