Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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