Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
