the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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