There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
