We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
