What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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