my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
