I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
