just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
