You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize