I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
