Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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