So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
