I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Randomize
