'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
