how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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