They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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