i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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