I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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