you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
