I heard we made out
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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