Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
