she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
