You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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