He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
In America we eat man semen.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
