The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
