thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize