Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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