Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
