At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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