i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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