And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize